http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/excerpts/2007-08-19-Dave-Barrys-History-o=
f-the-Millennium_N.htm
2006
A BOLD NEW DIRECTION! OR, NOT!
It was a momentous year, a year of events that will echo in the annals
of history the way a dropped plate of calamari echoes in an Italian
restaurant with a tile floor. Decades from now, our grandchildren will
come to us and say, "Tell us, Grandpa or Grandma as the case may be,
what it was like to be alive in the year that Angelina Jolie, Tom
Cruise, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, and Katie whatshername all had
babies, although not necessarily in those combinations." And we will
smile wisely and emit a streamer of drool, because we will be very old
and unable to hear them.
And that will be a good thing, because there are many things about
2006 that we will not want to remember. This was the year in which the
members of the United States Congress, who do not bother to read the
actual bills they pass, spent weeks ****ing over instant messages sent
by a pervert. This was the year in which the vice president of the
United States shot a lawyer, which turned out to be totally legal in
Texas. This was the year in which there came to be essentially no
difference between the treatment of maximum security prison inmates
and the treatment of commercial airline passengers.
This was the year in =ACwhich--=ACas clearly foretold in the Bible as a
sign of the =ACApocalypse--=ACHowie Mandel got a hit TV show.
Also, there were many pesky problems left over from 2005 that refused
to go away in 2006, including Iraq, immigration, high gas prices,
terrorism, global warming, avian flu, Iran, North Korea, and Paris
Hilton. Future generations are going to look back at this era and ask
us how we could have allowed Paris Hilton to happen and we are not
going to have a good answer.
FIND MORE STORIES IN: Iraq | House | Congress | Democrats | Republican
| George W Bush | United States | United States | North Korea | Dick
Cheney | Nancy Pelosi | Mark Foley
Did anything good happen in 2006? Let me think. No. But before we move
on to 2007, let's take a moment to reflect back on the historic
events, real and imaginary, of this historic year, starting with. . .
JANUARY
=2E. . a month that dawns with petty partisan bickering in Wa****ngton,
D.C., a place where many people view petty partisan bickering as
honest, productive work, like making furniture. The immediate cause of
the bickering is the Republican ethics scandal involving lobbyist Jack
Abramoff and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, both of whom you can
tell, just by looking at them, are guilty of something. The Democrats
charge that the Republicans have created a "Culture of Corruption" and
should be thrown out of office so the Democrats can return to power
and run the =ACscandal-=ACfree style of government for which they are so
famous. The Republicans respond that the Democrats are soft on
terrorism soft on terrorism soft on terrorism softonterrorism. Both
sides issue press releases far into the night.
The other big focus of the bickering is the nomination of Samuel Alito
to the Supreme Court. As always, the Senate Judiciary Committee
hearings provide =AChigh-=ACquality TV entertainment as the nation tunes
in to see if Sen. Edward M. Kennedy will be able to successfully
remember the nominee's name. The bulk of the hearings are spent in the
traditional manner, with Democrats trying to trick the nominee into
revealing his views on abortion and Republicans reminding the nominee
that he does not have to reveal his views on abortion. The subsequent
exchange of press releases is so intense that several government
photocopiers burst into flames.
In the War on Terror, Osama bin Laden, who may or may not be dead,
nevertheless releases another audiotape, for the first time making it
downloadable from iTunes. Bin Laden also starts a blog, in which he
calls upon his followers to destroy the corrupt Infidels and also try
to find out how a person, hypothetically, can get Chinese food
delivered to a cave.
In the Middle East, Palestinian voters elect the militant Hamas Party,
which assumes control of government functions such as street repair,
which Hamas decides to handle by firing rockets at potholes. Canada
also holds elections, which are won by some Canadian, we assume.
In economic news, the big story is the retirement of Federal Reserve
Board chairman Alan Greenspan, who, after nineteen years as the person
most responsible for guiding the American economy, steps down, taking
with him the thanks of a grateful nation and a suitcase containing $11
billion. But the financial news is not so good in. . .
FEBRUARY
=2E. . when President Bush, delivering what is billed as a "major
address on energy policy," reveals that the nation has an "addiction"
to "foreign oil," which comes from "foreign countries" located
"outside of the United States" that are getting this oil from "under
the ground." To combat this problem, the president proposes the
development of "new technology" in the form of "inventions," such as
"a Lincoln Navigator that gets 827 miles per gallon," although he
allows that this could "take time."
But this bold energy initiative does not get nearly as much attention
as the administration's decision to allow a company owned by the
United Arab Emirates to operate six U.S. sea****ts. This outrages
Congress, which briefly ceases partisan bickering to demand that the
White House return control of the ****ts, in the interest of national
security, to Anthony Soprano.
Speaking of guys who avoid the limelight: Vice President Dick Cheney,
attempting to bring down a quail with a shotgun, shoots attorney Harry
Whittington. Local authorities rule the shooting was an accident,
noting that if the vice president was going to intentionally shoot
somebody it would be Nancy Pelosi. The quail is eventually tracked
down and va****ized by an =ACF-=AC16.
Internationally, the big news comes from Denmark, center of a mounting
furor over some cartoons, published the previous year in a Danish
newspaper, which depict a prophet whom, in the interest of not
offending anybody, we will refer to as Fohammed. This upsets several
million of the prophet's followers, who request a formal apology from
the newspaper, greater sensitivity to their religious beliefs, and,
where necessary, beheadings. Eventually, everybody realizes that the
whole darned thing was just a silly misunderstanding. That is all we
are going to say about this.
In s****ts, Super Bowl XVXXLMCMII takes place in Detroit, and, by all
accounts, it's a big success for the Motor City, with huge crowds
thronging to both of the restaurants. The Pittsburgh Steelers win a
game featuring a controversial play in which an apparent Seattle
Seahawk touchdown pass is called back after the Steeler =ACdefender--=ACin
what is later ruled an =ACaccident--=ACis gunned down by Vice President
Cheney.
But the big s****ting event is the Winter Olympics, a glorious,
quadrennial celebration of =ACworld-=ACclass virtuoso athletic
accomplishment in s****ts nobody has ever heard of. Surprise winners
include Latvia in the 500-kilometer Modified Nordic Combined; the
Republic of Irvingkahnistan in the 2,300-meter Slavic Personified; and
U.S. skier Bode Miller in Most Nike Commercials Featuring a Competitor
Who, in the Actual Competitions, Mainly Falls Down.
Speaking of falling, in. . .
MARCH
=2E. . the =ACreal-=ACestate boom appears to be over, as the government
re****ts that, so far in 2006, only one U.S. homeowner managed to sell
his house and he had to offer, as an incentive to the buyer, his wife.
But the employment numbers remain strong, thanks to strong growth in
the sector of people trying to get you to refinance your mortgage for,
like, the sixth time. Meanwhile, as the average gasoline price creeps
past $2.50, the Hummer company, having downsized from the massive
Hummer to the somewhat smaller H2, and then to the even smaller H3,
begins development of the H4, which the company says will be "a very
rugged skateboard."
In the Academy Awards, the overwhelming favorite for best picture is
Brokeback Mountain, the story of two men who discover, while spending
many isolated weeks together in the mountains, that they enjoy
exchanging instant messages with Mark Foley. But in a stunning upset,
the Oscar for best picture instead goes to Crash, a do***entary about
Bode Miller.
In other entertainment news, a book by two San Francisco Chronicle
writers revives suspicions about possible steroid use by San Francisco
Giants slugger Barry Bonds, alleging, with extensive do***entation,
that as recently as ten years ago Bonds was a woman.
In other science news, thrilled NASA astronomers, in what they
describe as a "sma****ng, surprising" discovery, announce that they
have found evidence of pockets of water beneath the surface of
Enceladus, one of the moons of Saturn, which strongly =ACsuggests--=ACas
has long been =ACsuspected--=ACthat astronomers do not get out much.
In foreign news, Israeli voters give a parliamentary majority to
acting prime minister Ehud Olmert, because his name can be rearranged
to spell hot eel drum. Meanwhile, in Paris, thousands of demonstrators
take to the streets and shut down the city to demonstrate the fact
that, hey, it's Paris. In the Middle East, tension mounts in response
to mounting tension. We =ACdon't know specifically what is happening in
Africa, but we know it is bad.
Speaking of things we know are bad, in. . .
APRIL
=2E. . Tom DeLay decides not to seek re-election to Congress, making the
announcement via audiotape from a cave somewhere in Pakistan.
Republican leaders express relief over DeLay's decision and issue a
statement pledging that there will be "no more Republican scandals,
unless somebody finds out about Mark Foley."
Meanwhile, in the Middle East, tension mounts still higher when
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces that Iran has
successfully produced enriched uranium, although he claims that his
nation plans to use it only for peaceful purposes "such as cooking."
In Iraq, there is good news and bad news for the Bush administration.
The good news is that rival Iraqi leaders have finally agreed on a new
prime minister. The bad news is that it is Nancy Pelosi.
Domestically, the national debate over illegal immigration heats up as
thousands of demonstrators take to the streets of major U.S. cities,
thus causing a total shutdown of Paris. Meanwhile, the Mexican
government, in what is widely viewed as a deliberate provocation,
convenes in Milwaukee. But the big story is the price of gasoline,
which continues its relentless climb toward an unprecedented $3 a
gallon. Responding quickly, Congress, in a rare display of decisive
bipartisan action, takes a recess, with both sides promising to resume
bickering the instant they get back.
Speaking of your tax dollars at work, in. . .
MAY
=2E. . the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which has a
budget of over $3 billion, predicts that the 2006 hurricane season
will be worse than usual. This item will seem funnier later in the
year. In related news, the voters of New Orleans =ACre=ACelect Ray Nagin
as mayor, proving that Hurricane Katrina killed far more brain cells
than was previously believed.
On the terrorism front, the Bush administration comes under heavy
criticism following press re****ts that the National Security Agency
has been collecting telephone records of millions of Americans.
Responding to the outcry, President Bush assures the nation that "the
government is not collecting personal information on any individual
citizen," adding, "War=ACren H. Glompett of Boston, call your wife back
immediately because your dog has eaten your entire Viagra supply."
In another controversial move, the president announces that he will
use National Guard troops to stop illegal immigration. The initial
troops are assigned to guard the border between Mexico and Arizona,
with California, New Mexico, and Texas being covered by Dick Cheney.
In Houston, former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling
are convicted of fraud by a federal jury, which apparently is not
persuaded by the defense's claim that Skilling and Lay could not have
been responsible for the collapse of the $100 billion cor****ation
because they were, quote, "both getting haircuts."
True fact: After the verdict, Lay says, "We believe that God, in fact,
is in control."
Another true fact: Less than two months later, Lay will die of heart
failure.
In s****ts, Barbaro, the popular racehorse who won the Kentucky Derby,
breaks his leg in the Preakness after a freak collision with Bode
Miller. Barbaro is forced to retire, although his agent does not rule
out future appearances on Dancing With the Stars. Meanwhile, the
hottest show on TV is the =ACmuch-=AChyped finale of American Idol, which
is won by crooner Taylor Hicks, who narrowly edges out Nancy Pelosi.
Speaking of competition, in. . .
JUNE
=2E. . the big s****ts story is the start of the World Cup tournament,
with U.S. fans hopeful that our players have finally caught up with
the rest of the world in soccer. The American team arrives in Italy
brimming with confidence only to be informed that the tournament is
being held in Germany. Undaunted, the team boards a train for Geneva,
with the coach promising that "we will score many touchdowns."
In politics, the debate over Iraq continues to heat up, with President
Bush insisting that "we must stay the course, whatever it may or may
not be," while the Democrats claim that they would bring the troops
home "immediately," or "in about six months," or "maybe not for a long
time," depending on which particular Democrat is speaking and what
time of day it is. On a more positive note, U.S. troops kill Abu Musab
=ACal-=ACZarqawi, who is identified by intelligence experts as "a person
with a really =ACterrorist-=ACsounding name." In another hopeful
development in Iraq, the Sunnis and the ****ites agree to try to come
up with a simple way for Americans to remember which one is which.
On the legal front, the Supreme Court rules that the Bush
administration cannot try suspected terrorists in ad hoc military
tribunals after the court learns that the administration is
interpreting "ad hoc" to mean "under water."
Dan Rather, who stopped anchoring the evening news in 2005, announces
his retirement from CBS after a career spanning =ACforty-=ACfour years and
several galaxies. Explaining his decision, Rather cites a desire to
"explore other options" and "not keep getting maced by the CBS
security guard."
On a happier note, the United States marks the fiftieth anniversary of
the Interstate Highway =ACSystem--=ACan engineering marvel consisting of
47,000 miles of =AChigh-=ACspeed roads connecting 157,000 Waffle Houses. A
formal ceremony is planned but has to be canceled when Dad refuses to
stop.
Speaking of speeding while high, in. . .
JULY
=2E. . the Tour de France bicycle race is once again tainted by
suspicions of doping when the winner, American Floyd Landis, is
clocked ascending the Alps at over two hundred miles per hour. Landis
denies that he uses illegal drugs, attributing his performance to,
quote, "gears."
In other s****ts highlights, Italy defeats France in a World Cup final
match that is marred by a violent =AChead-=ACbutting incident involving
Bode Miller. The U.S. team fares poorly in the World Cup, failing to
win a single match; the players blame this on their inability to
adjust to the "no hands" rule.
But the month's big story occurs in the Middle East, where violence
flares along the Israel-Lebanon border in response to the fact that,
because of terrible planning, the two countries are located right next
to each other. In another troubling international development, rogue
state North Korea =ACtest-=ACfires seven ballistic missiles, including two
believed to be potentially capable of reaching U.S. soil. World
tension goes back down when the missiles, upon reaching an altitude of
two hundred feet, explode and spell happy birthday. American military
analysts caution that these missiles "could easily be modified to
spell something more threatening."
In other rocket news, the troubled U.S. space program suffers yet
another setback when the launch of the shuttle Discovery is delayed
for several days by Trans****tation Security Administration screeners,
who insist that the astronauts remove their shoes before they go
through the metal detector. Finally, however, Discovery blasts off and
flies a flawless mission, highlighted by scientific experiments
proving when you let go of things in space, they float around, same as
last year.
Outer space remains in the news in. . .
AUGUST
=2E. . when the International Astronomical Union rules that Pluto will
no longer be classified as a major planet on the grounds that it is
"less than half the size of James Gandolfini." A top U.S. law firm
immediately files a class action lawsuit on behalf of Pluto, as well
as "anybody else who has been hurt by this ruling or has ever
experienced neck pain."
In s****ts, a French medical laboratory burns to the ground following
the catastrophic explosion of Floyd Landis's urine sample.
Fidel Castro is rumored to be seriously ill following publication of
photographs showing worms crawling out of his eye sockets. Cuban
authorities insist that the aging leader is merely recovering from
surgery and that for the time being government operations are in the
capable hands of Nancy Pelosi.
As the situation in Lebanon deteriorates, Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice warns that if violence continues, the United States
will have no choice but to dispatch Vice President Cheney to the
region to hunt quail. Within minutes, a =ACcease-=ACfire breaks out, with
both sides agreeing to resume fire at a mutually convenient future
date.
Meanwhile, commercial air travel turns into a total nightmare. No,
wait, it was already a total nightmare. But it turns into an even
worse total nightmare after Britain uncovers a terrorist plot
targeting international flights, which results in a whole new set of
security rules, including a total ban on all gels and liquids,
including spit, urine, heavy perspirers, and lactating women. After
days of chaos at the air****ts, the TSA issues a new directive stating
that "Passengers may carry small quantities of liquids on board, but
only if they are inside clear, =ACone-=ACquart, sealable plastic bags."
This leads to still more chaos as many TSA employees interpret this to
mean that the passengers must be inside the bags. Eventually, the TSA
issues a clarification stating that "If necessary, the bags can have
airholes."
Elsewhere in the War on Terror, the Bush administration suffers a
setback when a federal judge in Michigan rules that U.S. authorities
cannot call up suspected terrorists and try to get them to switch
=AClong-=ACdistance carriers.
In crime news, a man in Thailand claims that he had something to do
with the 1996 murder of JonBen=E9t Ramsey. It quickly becomes clear that
the man is an unstable creep whose story is totally unbelievable, so
the cable TV shows drop it.
=ACHa-=ACha! Just kidding! The cable TV shows go into days of
=ACround-=ACth=
e-
=ACclock, All JonBen=E9t All the Time Wallow Mode. Battalions of legal
experts are brought in, some of them so excited at the op****tunity to
revisit the JonBen=E9t tragedy that additional janitors have to be
brought into the studios to mop up puddles of expert weewee.
On the weather front, the =A****il-=ACnow-quiet hurricane season erupts in
fearsome fury in the form of Tropical Storm Ernesto, which hurricane
experts, using scientific computer models, predict could become a
major storm and inflict devastation upon Texas, or possibly Florida,
or Connecticut. A state of near panic sets in as millions of coastal
residents jam gas stations, hardware stores, and supermarkets, while
many schools and businesses close. Tension mounts for days until
finally Ernesto slams into Florida with all the fury of a diseased
fruit fly. Life slowly returns to normal for everyone except the =ACever-
=ACvigilant hurricane experts, who immediately begin scanning their
scientific computer simulations for the next potentially deadly
threat.
And speaking of deadly, in. . .
SEPTEMBER
=2E. . Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, filming an underwater episode of
a TV show, is fatally wounded =ACwhen--=ACin what biologists describe as a
freak =ACaccident--=AChe collides with Bode Miller. Meanwhile,
=ACAmericans-=
-
=ACalready on edge because of concern over terrorism, avian flu, AIDS,
nuclear escalation, and global =ACwarming--=ACfind themselves facing a
deadly new menace: killer spinach. The lethal vegetable is removed
from supermarket shelves by police SWAT teams; many units of innocent
produce are harmed. Paris shuts down completely.
Speaking of vegetables, the United States Congress is rocked by yet
another scandal with the publication of =ACe-=ACmails and instant messages
sent to male pages by Congressman Mark Foley of Florida in which he
explicitly discusses acts of a sheepherding nature. As the scandal
expands, House Republican leaders issue a statement claiming that they
"are not aware of any =ACso-=ACcalled Congressman Mark Foley of Florida."
Demo=ACcrats cite Foley as another example of Republican corruption,
declaring that they would never, ever, under any cir***stances,
tolerate such behavior, unless it involved a consenting page.
In other political developments, The New York Times prints a leaked
top secret government re****t expressing doubts about the war in Iraq.
The Bush administration holds a secret meeting to prepare a response,
but within hours the Times prints leaked details of the meeting,
including who went to the bathroom and why. The administration then
attempts to take out the Times building with a missile, but the Times,
using leaked launch codes, redirects it to the Wa****ngton Post. As the
debate over Iraq heats up, President Bush pledges to "keep on
continuing to stay the present course while at the same time not doing
anything different." Democratic leaders declare that they have a "bold
new plan" for Iraq, which they will reveal just as soon as The New
York Times leaks it to them.
Abroad, Pope Benedict XVI gets in big trouble when he gives a speech
suggesting that the Muslim religion has historically been linked to
violence. =ACHa-=ACha! What a crazy idea! The pope soon sees that he has
made a big mistake and apologizes several times.
Rumors about Fidel Castro's health continue to swirl following
publication of a photograph showing Venezuelan president Hugo Ch=E1vez
shaking Castro's hand. The rest of Castro's body is nowhere to be
seen.
Speaking of the Communist Menace, in. . .
OCTOBER
=2E. . North Korea conducts an underground nuclear test, which is
especially troubling because the ground in question is located in
Wyoming. This goes virtually unnoticed in Wash=ACington, where everybody
continues to be obsessed with the growing body of instant messages
generated by Mark Foley, who, despite his busy schedule as a lawmaker,
apparently found time to attempt to become sheepherding buddies with
pretty much every young male in North America.
In other political developments, Sen. Barack Obama, looking back on a
career in the U.S. Senate that spans nearly twenty months, allows as
how he might be ready to move on to the presidency. Obamamania sweeps
the nation as millions of voters find themselves deeply impressed by
Obama's views, and the fact that he was on Oprah. In a gracious
gesture from a potential 2008 rival, Sen. Hillary Clinton sends Obama
a =ACgood-=ACluck card, which is stapled to the head of a horse.
Opponents of illegal Mexican immigration cheer when Congress
authorizes the construction of a =ACseven-=AChundred-=ACmile fence. Their
cheers quickly fade when they learn that because of wording inserted
at the last minute by senators Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens, 650 miles
of the fence will be constructed in West Virginia and Alaska.
Vice President Dick Cheney again becomes the center of controversy
when, appearing on a radio show, he defends the interrogation
technique known as "waterboarding" as a legitimate anti-terrorism
tool, not torture. At first, the host disagrees, but after several
"commercial breaks" Dick brings him around.
A strong earthquake shocks Hawaii, causing Paris to shut down
completely.
In s****ts, a football game between the University of Miami and Florida
International University is marred by violence, prompting both schools
to seriously consider banning players from carrying handguns onto the
field. In baseball, the New York Yankees, despite being clearly the
best and most expensive team the world has ever seen, fail to even get
into the World Series, leaving Yankee fans to spend yet another bitter
=ACoff-=ACseason wondering why their team =ACcan't simply be awarded the
champion****p and not have to play these stupid games against clearly
inferior teams from dirtball cities that =ACdon't even have subways.
But October ends on a happy note with the celebration of Halloween, a
night of magical fun when millions of youngsters, all over America,
are kept indoors. The most popular costumes this year, according to
retailers, are Power Ranger and Nancy Pelosi.
As the election approaches, polls show that the Democrats have a good
chance to regain control of Congress. But then disaster strikes in the
form of John "Mr. Laffs" Kerry, who, addressing a college audience,
attempts to tell a joke, which is like a fish attempting to play the
piano. This has major repercussions in. . .
NOVEMBER
=2E. . when Kerry's "joke" causes widespread outrage, prompting Kerry,
with typical humility, to insist that it was obviously humorous and
anybody who disagrees is an idiot. Kerry is finally subdued by
Democratic strategists armed with duct tape, but not before many
political analysts see a tightening of the race to control Congress.
As the campaign lumbers to the finish line, the Republicans
desperately hope that the voters will not notice that =ACthey--=AConce the
party of small =ACgovernment--=AChave turned into the party of =ACwar-
=ACbungling, =ACcorruption-=ACtolerating, =AC****k-=ACspewing,
=ACpower-=AClu=
sting
toads, while the Democrats desperately hope that the voters will not
notice that they are still, basically, the Democrats. The actual
voters, of course, are paying no attention, having given up on
politics months ago because every time they turn on the TV all they
see are political ads accusing pretty much every candidate on either
side of being, at minimum, a child molester.
Thus nobody really knows what will happen as the voters go to the
polls. In Florida, nobody knows anything even after the voting is
over, =ACbecause--=ACprepare to be =ACshocked--=ACmany electronic
balloting
machines malfunction. Voters in one district re****t that their
machines, instead of displaying the candidates for Congress, showed
Star Wars IV. (By an overwhelming margin, this district elects Jabba
the Hutt.)
Nationwide, however, it eventually becomes clear that the Democrats
have gained control of both houses of Congress. President Bush handles
the defeat with surprisingly good humor, possibly because his staff
has not told him about it. For their part, future House Speaker Nancy
Pelosi and future Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid issue a joint
statement promising to "make every effort to find common ground with
the president," adding: "We are clearly lying." Pelosi sets about the
difficult task of trying to fill leader****p posts with Democrats who
have not been videotaped discussing bribes with federal undercover
agents.
The first major casualty of the GOP defeat is Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld, who, the day after the election, is invited to go quail
hunting with the vice president. He is never seen again. As Rumsfeld's
replacement, the president =ACnominates--=ACin what is widely seen as a
change in direction on =ACIraq--=ACBarbra Streisand.
In other celebrity news, Michael Richards, a graduate of the Mel
Gibson School of =ACStand-=ACUp, responds to a comedy club heckler by
unlea****ng a racist tirade so vile that even John Kerry realizes it is
not funny. A chastened Richards apologizes for his behavior, citing,
by way of explanation, the fact that he is a moron.
Speaking of which, O.J. Simpson is once again in the headlines when
Fox TV announces that Simpson will be interviewed on a =ACtwo-=ACnight
special show in conjunction with his new book, If I Did It, in which
he will explain how, "hypothetically," he would have murdered Nicole
Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. This idea is so sick, so disgusting,
so utterly depraved, that it would undoubtedly get huge ratings. But
Fox, faced with withering criticism, is forced to cancel the project,
which is the brainchild of publisher Judith Regan, about whom you
could write a "hypothetical" book titled If Judith Regan Had the Moral
Standards of a Tapeworm.
On the economic front, the holiday shopping season officially kicks
off with "Black Friday" and retailers are pleased with the numbers:
2,038 shoppers hospitalized, up 37% from last year.
In other good news, with four days left in the virtually =ACstorm-=ACfree
2006 hurricane season and still no storms in sight, U.S. weather
experts, citing new data, predict that the season will end up having
been very mild. This forecast turns out to be right on the money, but
the experts waste no time on =ACself-=ACcongratulation as they immediately
begin making scientific predictions for next year's hurricane season,
which, they warn, could be a bad one.
Speaking of bad. . .
DECEMBER
=2E. . gets off to a troubling start with the worsening situation in
Iraq worsening faster than ever. The nation's hopes for a solution are
pinned on the Iraq Study Group, a presidentially appointed =ACblue-
=ACribbon panel consisting of five Republicans, five Democrats, and the
Wizard of Oz. In accordance with =AClong-=ACstanding Wa****ngton tradition,
the panel first formally leaks its re****t to The New York Times, then
delivers it to the president, who turns it over to White House
personnel specially trained in reading things.
In essence, the study group recommends a =ACthree-=ACpronged approach,
consisting of (1) a gradual withdrawal of U.S. troops, but not on a
fixed timetable, (2) intensified training of Iraqi troops, and (3) the
physical relocation of Iraq, including buildings, to Greenland.
Republican and Democratic leaders, after considering the re****t for
the better part of a nanosecond, commence what is expected to be a
minimum of two more years of bickering.
With the Iraq situation pretty much solved, the world's attention
****fts to Iran and its suspected nuclear program, which becomes the
subject of renewed concern after U.S. satellites detect a glowing
=ACfour-=AChundred-=ACfoot-=AChigh spider striding around Tehran. Iranian
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists that it is "a peaceful spider"
that will be used "only for mail delivery." Shortly thereafter, North
=ACKorea--=ACin what many observers see as a deliberate =ACprovocation--
=ACdetonates a nuclear device inside the Lincoln Memorial.
Finally responding to these new threats to international stability,
the five permanent members of the UN Security =ACCouncil--=ACthe U.S., the
U.K., Russia, China, and =ACGoogle--=AChold an emergency meeting in Paris,
where, after heated debate, they vote to have a bottle of 1959 Ch=E2teau
Margaux with their entr=E9e. Unfortunately, they cannot agree on a
dessert wine, causing the city, which had just reopened, to shut down
completely.
In other food news, New York City, having apparently solved all of its
other problems, bans "trans fats." Hours later, police surround a
Burger King in Brooklyn and fire =ACfifty-=ACseven bullets into a man
suspected of carrying a concealed Whopper. The medical examiner's
office, after a thorough investigation, concludes that the man
"definitely could have developed artery problems down the road."
Speaking of health problems, rumors that Fidel Castro is ailing gain
new strength when, at an official state dinner in Havana, a waiter
accidentally tips over the longtime Cuban leader's urn, spilling most
of him on the floor.
In other =ACdeceased-=ACcommunist news, British police decide to treat the
mysterious death of a former Russian spy in London as a murder, caused
by the radioactive element =ACpolonium-=AC210. New York immediately bans
the element, forcing the closure of 70% of the city's Taco Bells.
As the year, finally, nears its conclusion, Americans turn their
attention to the holiday season, which they =ACcelebrate--=ACas
generations
have before =ACthem--=ACby frantically overbidding on eBay for the Sony
PlayStation 3, of which Sony, anticipating the =ACnear-=AChomicidal level
of demand, manufactured an estimated eleven units. Millions of
Americans also head "home for the holidays," making this one of the
busiest air travel seasons ever. The =ACalways-=ACvigilant TSA responds by
raising the Color Code Security Status to "Ultraviolet," which means
that passengers may not board an airplane if they contain blood.
But despite the =ACwell-=ACfounded fear of terrorism, the seemingly
unbreakable and escalating cycle of violence in the Middle East, the
uncertain world economic future, the menace of global warming, the
near certainty that rogue states run by lunatics will soon have
nuclear weapons, and the fact that America is confronting these
dangers with a federal government sharply divided into two hostile
parties unable to agree on anything except that the other side is
s***, Americans face the new year with a remarkable lack of worry, and
for a very good reason: They are busy drinking beer and watching
football.
So Happy New Year.
(Burp!)
Reprinted from DAVE BARRY?S HISTORY OF THE MILLENNIUM (SO FAR) by Dave
Barry by arrangement with G.P. Putnam?s Sons, a member of Penguin
Group (USA), Inc., Copyright (c) 2007 by Dave Barry
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