>From and including: Tuesday, March 6, 2007.
To and including: Tuesday, October 30, 2007.
It is 239 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.
Or 7 months, 25 days including the end date.
Since it all began on February 19th 1996, it is my longest period of
crack smoking abstinence of any kind. That includes year 2000 (some
time at rehab) and 11/04 - 7/05, both 225 days.
So what, big deal. Anyone can abstain from cocaine. Although, I never
counted days, I was surprised to find how long it has been. I checked
my journals and calenders to be sure. I am not proud nor has life been
any better for me these past eight months. Perhaps they've been worse;
more frustrating and filled with anger, no feelings of hope or love.
Ten years ago I had three lives and that's what made my life
unmanageable, not the occasionally third life crack smoking. Yet, I
was far more happier and productive then. Now, I have only one life,
and sometimes I can't wait when it's over. I am dying from the
boredom.
At the moment, I am frightened as usual. Afraid of changing into that
person I hope doesn't appear after that first hit. Years ago, smoking
sometimes brought out some incredible feelings of love from me. Love,
that obviously, had to be there to begin with. It wasn't only a male
*** craving high. Today, there is no love. It is thoughtless.
I am leaving to travel the usual 90+ miles (and back) to an expensive
NYC hotel for this cocaine and fantasy binge. In all my honesty, I
really don't want to go through this again. Yes, believe it or not, it
takes a lot of willpower from me to do this. I am actually making
myself go there. I can't take this one life anymore. I want an attempt
at a "happy ending" just one more time before the money runs out, I'm
too old, or I just don't fit in anymore.
I'm still chasing the love of my life and I know I will never find her
there smoking crack. I know who she really is and why she's there. I
just want to feel like a "king for a night (or week)" and make believe
she's real. Although I wished it to be different for the past 11+
years, all I've been is nothing but a visitor.
A visitor, who for some unknown reason, wants to stay there for good,
but can't. Perhaps he still has goodness and compassion for others,
the two qualities that won't allow him to stay there very long.
If only he could feel that way for himself.
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